Today I walked with the assistance of a cane about a third of a mile at a park, my first *outing*. I have been in pain ever since.

This is what I was doing a year ago today: cycling 52 miles in 3.5 hours.

I am so depressed and angry. My words fail to describe the depth of what I feel.

Sometimes I think I can’t do this. At times I am sure of it. The road is too long and difficult. One really long climb with an unknown destination.

No one knows what I will be able to get back to. It was damn hard to be where I was – to even get there. It was work. Yes I love to ride my bike. Yes it is fun. But it is work too! It’s hard! I had my best year of riding in more ways than one last year, which makes this even harder to deal with. I did rides like the one pictured below over and over racking up the miles and fitness.

In the years prior, I believed I had passed my cycling prime. To combat it I read a lot about aging athletes and what I could do to minimize the negative and maximize my abilities. I did it through diet, vitamins and supplements, indoor cycling, cross-training, improved rest and recovery practices and more – and it worked.

At my age I had still managed to improve. I had improved my climbing and my endurance and I was better than years before.

So when that car hit me August 2, I was knocked from as high a place as I have been in recent years.

I lost a lot. It isn’t going to come back easily – if it comes back in any meaningful way at all.

It’s disappointing and frustrating and depressing. I’m pissed about it but I feel way more sad. Overwhelmingly, I feel lost. Yes, I know it could have been much worse, but it could have also not happened.